my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i love accidental penises.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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