fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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