I accidentally had phone sex last night
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm like, not good at living.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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