What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
