Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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