3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
how can u be prego again
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Is this like a preordered booty call?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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