I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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