I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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