I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
