im six kinds of drunk right now
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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