btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
