Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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