I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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