Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
