anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
