bring money and cleavage
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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