Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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