I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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