it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
