Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
