you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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