so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
