she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
