You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
