But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
