he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
