FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
