dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize