I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
