I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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