How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
