Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
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