for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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