I should be sponsored by Trojan
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
