She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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