I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
