Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
