uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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