The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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