You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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