remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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