I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
