Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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