Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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