Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
