ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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