my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
