If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
