Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
