I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
