Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
