He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
