If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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