God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
