I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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