Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
