I didn't shave. On purpose
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
