A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
