If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
